Vacuum Wars

Today seems like a whyevenbother day. It's one of those days where everything you try to do turns around and bites you in the butt. So I've only had one bad experience today, but you know what happens when one thing won't work - everything else also ceases functionality.

The furniture store delivery men (New Jerseyites straight out of The Godfather, it would seem) are coming to deliver our fancy new bedroom set "no later than 1:00". In preparation for their arrival, I decided to clean the house. I'm sure the delivery men all get together on break and discuss the horrendous homes they were forced to maneuver their way through during the day's deliveries. My hope was that the furniture people would enter the house and be greeted by the smell of fresh-baked bread with a light scent of crockpotted beef stew and a touch of Pine-Sol hanging on the breeze.

My first step was to dust and clear up the clutter. It was an easy enough task. My only challenge was Batman, who hopped on the closest piece of furniture and took a running jump with claws outstretched every time I came near, his only goal to grab as much flesh with each leap as possible. All I can say about that is, he really outdid himself. I have fresh scratches on my face, neck, arms and legs, as well as clumps of bald pieces on my scalp.

I took my revenge by getting out the vacuum cleaner. I didn't chase him around with it - that would be mean. It just happened that I needed to sweep every corner he cowered in.

Halfway through the vacuuming process, I noticed that I was leaving behind more trails of lint than I was cleaning up. I emptied the removable dirt capturing thingy and spent half an hour trying to figure out how to put the thing back together. After a few "Oh no! I broke it!" false alarms, the vacuum was reassembled and I commenced vacuuming only to discover that the problem was even worse. I threw the vacuum down on the floor, er, I mean I lightly laid the vacuum on its side and inspected the roller. I screamed aloud at the sight of carpet lint and hair wrapped around and around the roller.

Twenty minutes and a pair of broken scissors later, I returned to the task at hand. And do you think the vacuum did its job? No! I would have seen better results if I had tied a hose to the cat and let him loose.

Now instead of the furniture delivery people coming in the house and being astounded by my terrific housekeeping skills, they will be greeted with giant pieces of lint and fuzz that stick to their shoes.

Maybe I can at least find a candle around here that smells as if I've been baking all day.